So I'm sure that title grabbed your attention and it's actually a bit rather interesting about me, yes me, that I'm going to work thru here a bit. As per other things Queer Fashion Show was this past weekend and along with that general hanging out with friends.

So let's detail the events of this weekend in short: Friday headed down to Santa Cruz to go meet up with Pablo and San and go see Queer Fashion Show up at campus. Annual event, always good fun. This year for a change we got there plenty early and got great seats, like next to the runway. After we went downtown santa cruz to chill a bit and such. Given the show gets out at around 10pm it wasn't logical to drive over the hill even to San Jose. Saturday we went over the hill to San Jose to go to Hunters. Pretty good time there. Now here's where things go downhill, as a whole we were all pretty drunk (this is saturday) and unfortunately Pablo started getting sick and all that goes along with that.

Now here's the interesting part, I begin to get more and more frustrated with everyone and I'm just being excessively a dick. Like everything I'm saying is in a commanding demeaning way. While I clearly didn't notice it at the time, I definitely remember it now. But what about that violently drunk bit you said in the title?! Well I'm sure you're expecting some story of me detailing a fight and whatnot. Sorry nothing of that nature (but equally bad.) Long story short San annoyed me while we were at Dakota's (on Friday) and I started being a bitch to him, and when he came up to me to talk I gave him a good solid punch in the shoulder. Big deal right? Those of you who know me, when do I/have I hit someone? Exactly, I don't and definitely not my close friends. Also on the way over to San Jose (Saturday) Pablo changed one of the tunes we were listening to in the middle. I was annoyed so what did I do? Punched him in the shoulder. Now unlike when I punched San I realized my error and did make attempts to mend the scenario. But I mean you can't just hit someone and then be like "Oh I'm sorry." Uh no, fuckoff.

Now the interesting I've noticed looking back on it is a very distinct pattern between both of them: Both instances I was QUITE drunk AND had not eaten in quite some time. My conclusion is that due to low food, thus low blood sugar, I became an iritable bitch and then because of being drunk things are not thought out fully. Also when you're drunk your senses are muted– punching someone does hurt you too, well you don't feel that when you're drunk which thus resulted in a harder punch from me without me having any idea of what I had just delivered.

So my conclusion to it: is that while it saves on booze, I really need to eat before drinking otherwise I run a risk of being a total asshole/monster/etc. More importantly what concerns me deeply is that on an instinctual level I resorted to a PHYSICAL attack response. What bothers me more is that I lashed out on two of my closest friends. Sure we've slapped each other and whatnot, but in a playful manner. These punches were delivered with actual intention to inflict pain. Thinking about this, I have actually scared myself: how does my mind rationalize something like that. I don't care how much I had to drink, how did that crop up? Given I'm been moody when drunk but never have I, well, physically assaulted anyone, let alone some of my best friends.

I'm kinda just starting to blather on about it, but I really needed to dialogue that out at least with myself. I realize my actions and the effects it had on my friends and I feel in such instances there is little you can do to compensate for something like that. I mean when you put trust in someone and then you are just kicked to the curb, how to you reconcile that in your mind? I apologize to you guys again, I really hurt both of you and I greatly sorry about my actions.
I am not one to apologize over things I do, but making some excuse would be a bullshit pussy-shit cop out. My whole drunk + lack of food I guess you could see as an excuse, but I am not taking it as such. I accept that I am responsible for those actions, the drinks I had do not exempt me from such. I suspect this will bother me for awhile and perhaps I'm already over-thinking things in just writing this entry. However given that I did this on two (consecutive) evenings it concerns me that this may crop up again and I earnestly wish that actions and behavior like this never sees the light of day (or of night for that matter) ever again. With that I lay this to rest.