AAAHH fucking a. So if it's not apparent I'm not exactly in the best of moods at this moment. Yes this is a pissed blog entry, so ya're forewarned. I feel a need to just write whatever feels right at this point just to get it out. It'll be good purgation as well as give me something to look back on. I was going to make an more typical "update" earlier today, but I'll have to get to it tomorrow.
Added note: This is really long (~6 pages) and crazy (emotional baggage), so you have been warned.

So long story short this weekend was good times and whatnot. Hung up with Pablo and San and such. Friday I was in Santa Cruz, saw a show at the barn theater, good stuff. (More on it in a latter entry.) Saturday was trip up to SF with the usual gay crowd. (Pablo, San, myself, as well as folks in SF, Robert and Will.) Again more on the specifics of it in the next entry. Long night, fun times, had to crash at Robert's place in SF, so didn't get home till evening of Sunday. So little background, we got the evening off to such a late start that my parents had actually gone out to dinner and come back by the time they'd gotten here. So my parents got to meet them. No biggie you'd think.

Anyway, as usual when I go to the city my dad wants to know what's up, where we're going etc. I'm not trying to make that sound like he's still all in my business, but he also grew up in the city and knows the place well, and likes to know where the hot spots are- see how things are changing etc. Well it's always problematic cuz epically with that group we're going to gay clubs/bars. So I always have to play the dumb card ("I don't know where we went") or just try to avoid it all together (change the subject.) I've typically always managed to avoid these questions decently well. Oh by the way, if ya haddn't gathered at least a bit, I'm not out to my parents.
Anyway this weekend's adventure was fairly typical of my dad wanting to know where we were. Now of course I'm NOT going to tell him that "oh yeah we were at the Castro the WHOLE TIME" and such. I've dropped bits of info here and there. Anyway the crowning fucking moment was just a short while ago, perhaps no more than 6 minutes ago (maybe 10 now, whatever) when he outright asked me "Is Pablo gay?" which is like "yeah." Well whatever you think. Well clearly he's no idiot and of course figured out that my two friends who I'm hanging out with a lot are quite clearly gay. I couldn't tell where he was going with this. Of course I'm like "so?" Now the pinnacle of, whatever the fuck you wanna call it, fucking kick in the balls moment, ready? "I'm not too crazy about you hanging out with them." THE FUCKING BALLS OF HIM! I don't remember what comment I made, it was under my breath or something. I think it was "Well to each their own." which he didn't hear. I just repeated with "Nothing" and a "I'm going to fucking string you up" death look. At which point I don't remember if he said anything or what, but just did leave. Smart decision. It would've gotten ugly fast, and probably would've resulted me in outing myself in a furious manner. Which would have been disastrous at best. Yeah, I of course did the silent cussing out and flipping off as soon as he had rounded the corner.

And yeah there it is. I mean, holly fucking shit. I think my hands have stopped twitching in sheer emotional overload. I mean fuck man, I have not felt sheer rage like that in a long time, if ever. (I honestly think the only thing that may have come close was in ice hockey.) I mean WHAT THE FUCK HELL! I was figuring that perhaps my folks were a bit more logical than I figured. I'd been getting the feeling that things were going in a more positive direction, so-to-speak. I know my Mom's far more open minded about it. But holly fuck, yeah you'd expect dad to be dead last about it, and sure enough. I mean holly shit. Just hanging out with them. Ooooohhhh that's possibly bad! Oh shit like I might catch the gay! Well if that's your logic then I'm already fucked. I mean he's gonna have to deal with it eventually that his older son is a cocksucker. Oooh la de fucking da! I mean, AAAH FUCK!

I do see this string of things as the beginning of the undoing/unwrapping. Why, well I think I've talked about a few here, but I'll string them together really fast. Questions about what I did this weekend we vague as I could get them.

1. Finally I actually gave him the name of a club we went to, which was Badlands (which is in the Castro.)
2. Mentioned about cafe we went to in the morning, also on Castro.
3. And of course knows now via meeting and also asking, that one of the guys I talk to and hang with the most (and best friend) is gay.

So yeah, you do the fucking math. I mean seriously he can't be thinking otherwise. (Note: just was interrupted by people, so I'm a bit calmer now.) And in some ways, FINE! I mean shit. Ok, so high school: mostly everyone hadn't a clue. I can see that. Once I hit college freshman year when I was a huge closet case, like mostly EVERYONE I met later on told me "yeah I figured you were gay." So while I'm not hugely like flamboyant (I don't like that, as many of you know), I'm definitely not un-obvious in much of what I say and do. I don't know how it comes across, but apparently it does. But then again whatever it is, is totally natural to me.
And yeah, I've lost the rage moment. Ah well. I definitely will be needing to vent this in person to someone. But Yeah. Ok the moment is gone. I'm now on my fourth interruption and they're not helping. Plus I'm not one to hold on to rage or anger or anything, it's horribly unhealthy. But this DEFINITELY won't disappear. I've been hoping like any gay kid that it won't be too hard coming out to their parents, but clearly this is going to be FAR from that. Now I've got a bit from both my mom and dad that will probably forever taint my view. Consequently I those two little bits will also mean that it's going to be so much harder for them. Really long story short they are ('cuz I know you're wondering): Mom- "Are you sure?" and Dad- the bit above. (I don't feel like repeating it, it'll only get my pissed off)

I mean right now my emotions are a bit neutral, which is good. The next thing after this is going to be depressed shit. Why? Well as I just went thru it, it's clearly as I said it's going to be more rocky. And the WORST thing which is just only beginning to start to poke in my mind, is that coming out very well destroy my relationship with my parents, particularly my dad. Of course this sounds freaky and crazy but trust me, if you're not gay you have NO FUCKING IDEA that it feels like. It's an absolutely sinking feeling and frankly, sickening feeling. That your parents, your biological (or not) parents, who put their junk together to produce you, would over this one thing that is WHO YOU ARE, would cease to consider you love-able, or their own.

Goodie, I'm on to the depressing part now. Wow. I mean this whole thing isn't being helped. Frankly I don't see much about living at home. Right now it's financial reasons. One, I have no job. Two, even if I was I'd be saving HUGE bank by not having to pay rent. I keep figuring that I'll be fine, I'll be able to hang in there for at least a year. But the more I keep looking at it, especially like right now it just seems so unlikely. I mean I can't be myself, I'm realistically am under their rules to an extent. My room is fucking tiny (well I either need a huge room or a living room like in my college places.) Also like the arguments my folks (namely my dad) gets into with my brother. I mean fucking-A! They are SOO annoying and infuriating. Granted my bro deserves some of them, but mostly they are just the usual tyrannical bullshit that reminds me of my own past which is what contributes to why I was such a BITCH and a wimp in high school. Fuck it. I mean yeah, it carries a lot of baggage. Being at home has massive baggage associated with it. Honestly my folks are so lax about me doing stuff (not enough for my taste frankly, but I don't expect it) and my brother. Honestly he's the some of the very thin layer of glue holding me together right now. Rock climbing is another huge one, and of course my friends.
Fuck man, this feels like high school all over again. At home, usual home bullshit drama. Not being out. Blah blah Blah, fuck me. I was thinking earlier of trying to make a comparison to the whole being gay thing and not being loved blah blah, but I couldn't think of anything really good. I'll perhaps get back to it at another point. And I lost what I was thinking about that earlier bit. Oh yeah, snowboarding, see back in high school snowboarding was big for me, (another HUGE personal back story there) and more so, ice hockey. I mean it was physical, visceral, and fast. And it was such a purge. I mean skating around, the coach making you do drills, laps, more drills, more laps. And by the end of it you wanted to die (if you were working hard like you should've been.) And then you step off the ice head to the locker room. And it's casual and all friends and chatting and whatnot as you change out of your gear. And it's like a second level to the whole catharsis of it, taking off your gear, removing that weight and all the soaked up sweat, away it goes. And more often than not, lacing up your skates again to just go skate during the following public session to just chat and socialize with fellow friends/hockey players after. It was something. It was a unifying thing for me. While we were all unique and all that shit, we all were cohesively united by the ice. We were all ice hockey players. And even to this day, and this was BIG (for me) back in high school, there was really something to it saying "I play ice hockey." High school it was a massive contrast from my image of who I was then. It was my inner self starting to break out. For the few of you who have known me thru high school onto college, which is I can think of three people (Stephen, David, and Jonathan) they know that change. Everyone else knows one or the other. They are not alike in any way.

If the me now met myself back in high school, I would idolize myself. I'd wanna be that guy, big time. And then if now me came up to high school me, and said "I am you when you are 22 after college." High school me would think, "That's not fucking possible. But that would be awesome if he's right." Yeah. Wow, well I managed to get onto a blog entry/topic that I was planning to write in a much more logical and thought out manner, rather than massive stream-of-consciousness mental dump that just occurred. I think I'm going to stop now because based on what has happened so far, this could just keep going. And given I have gotten onto the high school reflection bit, that in itself could be as long as this already has. This has just been crazy and writing all of this has really helped. Hell I can't remember how it started but it sure feels good now. So if you read the whole thing (and I mean read) I thank you sincerely. It's long, messy, emotional, and whatnot. Not the shit people tend to want to read. so thank you, really. I won't edit it (unless I spot a HUGE spelling or grammatical error that makes something totally un-logical), it is how I wrote it and how it is. Comments are on. Anyway. That's all.
I promise something less crazy and better written (and shorter) soon.