Ok, so I'm going to preface this and then here you go. Soo... I'm talking to ma friend Mark (on AIM) and shit.... So what comes up is a simple bit about liking someone (we're talking deeper than the physical) to which I come up with this main point that got me going:
"cuz it's something that i just really haven't experienced in a serious way / but fags are too much into this casual sex thing..... so like.. everything is MEANINGLESS..... fuckinga"
So this goes on and eventually I'm like "really should blog this." Well I ended up just typing it into a note file, and now I'm pasting it in below. I finished this about 10 minutes before authoring this entry.

So it's a total stream of consciousness so it's not necessarily the best logic flow. But it's very raw and emotional I feel. And yeah, I'm going to go back and read it later and like many things, I'll give me some insight on my own thinking. I love the ending. And thanks Mark for listening (technically reading) to me blabbing/chatting away.

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Meeting someone.... feeling like you've got a connection...

I'm latching on to it because they rarely happen. in "gay world" it's soo much casual sex.. that when something appears to have the potential to actually MEAN SOMETHING it's like a fucking amazing gold find. I mean it's like you've found the diamond in the rough.... you're like "i want to date you!!! pleeaaaseee?!" but you don't want to do that. cuz they may not share the same, they may not actually be interested in you, or maybe they are. But if you come on with that bit of bullshit.. they sure as hell won't want to go out with you.

There is that inherent problem, with the whole sex thing. it fucks you up. it gets you to detach the feelings part from the sex, so you can enjoy things and not wake up in the morning and be like "oh i love you! be my boyfriend!" Cuz the next thing thru your mind at that point is "What the fuck did I just say?!" So then it's very possible and likely to reach a point where it's hard to talk to someone and meet them and try to handle things like a normal situation. your brain is trained to take this meeting, this interaction and see the sex value in it, and then figure how to reach it if it is so desired.
So then when you get sick of this shit, or perhaps just want to change it up a bit... like actually get to KNOW some people it's a trick. Or perhaps you meet someone, and well let's just say it clicks, you want to take it seriously. There is that risk that they are still in the "sex mode."

Why is this bit of "genius" suddenly upon me, cuz this is what I'm fucking dealing with right now. Yes I want to go out and find some hot guy and fucking hook up, because frankly I could seriously use getting laid. But at the same time, there is someone who I really do want to actually go on legitimate dates, leave the sex outta it, and like.. potentially explore the possibility of a relationship with. I mean I'd never think I'd be in this situation right now but hey, shit happens.

Now you say, "Well why not?" and that's complicated in many ways, some stupid. Namely the whole "getting in contact" part, kinda tricky. Wasn't any number exchange of sorts and stuff... and well I didn't push it at the time cuz it would have seemed odd and very well would have run the risk of coming off as a hook-up interest. So I let it be at just "See you around. perhaps hang out sometime?" Which ended with a good hug and a "Sure. Take care."

I dunno. I think the reality of the end result is I just need to at least make a date offer somehow, and hopefully accomplish at least one. I mean it can fail, but if there is no attempt, I'm going to be forever kicking myself about it.
As one of the few quotes that I've strove to live up to:
"Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new." -Albert Einstein.
And this is EXACTLY one of those cases. I may fuckup, it may go all wrong, hell it might actually work, but either way if I don't try, if I don't do there is no outcome.